A Plea to Girls In Tights

First, I want to say tights are a miracle fashion that any size girl can embrace. For well over a year (longer for true fashionistas) girls have paraded around in these (mainly) slimming, very forgiving must-have accessory. And as time goes on, we are blessed with many more types. Now that opaque tights are at their height of popularity, girls have many spices to pick from (sporty, spicy, ginger?). For quite a while they have been found with studs, rips, patterns, you name it, they have it.

The good thing is that tights are not sizest. By sizest I mean one can weigh more than two pounds and not look like a whale in them. And for those who haven't discovered the beauty of a belt, it can create a finished look, and hide that area in your middle that tights tend to hug.

While I was shocked (and thrilled might I add) to find that tights would endure another season, there are a few rules to live by when wearing them.

• I realize I just said they are size friendly, but remember that any size can be made to look bigger. So if you don't wear a belt around your middle, try to find a nice cardigan to wear, or don't be afraid to wear a size 8 when you're really a size 7. Do whatever is necessary to not show off that muffin top created by the low-rise jean phenomenon. Tights (that are too tight) can create the same issue.
• Certain fabrics should never be worn. I mean leather, pleather, vinyl, or any of their cousins. They certainly shouldn't be worn across a woman's larger parts. Even thin women can look larger in pleather. So, if you are larger, please, please don't do it. If you are thin, have some sense, and don't do it. It is not Halloween.
• Finally, and this is the biggest one. TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS. Notice in the beginning, I called them accessories. Whoever gets up in the morning and throws on a pair of tights and a shirt should be ticketed. Why? Because it doesn't matter if you are two pounds, or 2oo pounds, nobody needs to know that much about you. I don't need to know what you ate for lunch yesterday. I don't need to know the whereabouts of your privates. And I certainly don't need to count the dimples on your ass. Even if you have the most perfect body on the face of this planet, do the planet a favor and put on a skirt, buy a longer top, or change into some jeans.

Please, please, please, do not ruin this trend for the rest of us. It is sure to burn out quickly. But, I doubt that any designer or fashion expert will continue making and suggesting something that is so brutally abused. It's tricky, I know, but your ass (literally) has crossed the line.