Valentine's Day...And Hold The Side Of Bitter

What is it about Valentine’s Day that makes people go so crazy (Like putting pictures of pigs, kittens, and meercats on their blog)? If your single, everyone else is in a relationship and you see the pity in their eyes as if they’re going to be on suicide watch till the 15th. But don’t let them fool you. Having somebody on Valentine’s Day sucks too because now you are forced to put your love on parade. You know, the bigger the show the bigger the love—obviously that’s true (see Princess Di and Prince Charles’s wedding). So, this year let us forget mere mortal love, which could disappear at any moment. Instead, let us focus on the following classic couples, who are so iconic, they shall endure the test of time.

1. Bert and Ernie: That’s right folks, gay, straight, doesn’t matter. Their love’s as classic as Sesame Street itself. Big Bird has nothing on these two.

2. Lucy and Ricky: Offstage these two had a tumultuous relationship, but onstage they clicked like no other married TV pair. Besides, we can’t help but watch to see if he’ll ever let her in the show. Babaloo.

3. Fred and Barney: Sure they had Wilma and Betty, but Fred and Barney were thick as thieves.

4. Wilma and Betty: These broads had to be tough to put up with Fred and Barney’s shenanigans. Did anybody ever figure out how those two got these babes?

5. Arsenio Hall and Eddie Murphy: I don’t care what anybody says, when those two started improving off one another back in the 80’s, it was pure comedic romance. If you’re too young to know what I mean, rent Coming to America.

6. Scorcese and Robert De Niro: These two made beautiful movies together. Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Mean Streets and The Godfather Part II. Okay, so he’s been replaced by Leo DiCaprio, but true movie buffs will never forget the original dynamite duo.

7. Thelma and Louise: That’s right damn’t. The law, abusive husbands, not even Brad Pitt could keep these two from being together. Not in this life or the next.

8. Chocolate and Peanut Butter: Some people say the Internet is the greatest invention ever. I say that person hasn’t had a Reese’s lately.

9. Al Gore and the Internet: Wait…That doesn’t make any sense.

10. Simon and Paula: Love ‘em or leave ‘em, there’s no denying that these two have had

sparks flying since 2002. Just do it already. And by do it, I mean sex.

11. Viagra and Old Men: Back in the 90’s when this was invented, the world was forever changed. Sure, we don’t have a cure for AIDS yet, but I’ll be damned if a man over 50 should endure a flaccid penis.

12. Jay and Conan: Up until six weeks ago, this was the best couple in late night television. Damn shame really, now it’s just Conan and his millions. Poor bastard.

13. T.O. and himself: Athletes aren’t typically known for low self-esteem as it is, but Terrell Owens, aka the Showboat, takes self love to a whole new level. He is the reason “excessive celebrating” can earn a penalty.

14. Peyton Manning and Bret Farve: So, this actually didn’t happen, but we would have loved to see these two greats face off in Super Bowl 44.

15. Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler: If you don’t know who this is then you suck. Before Kristen and Rob, before Brad and Angelina, there was this brooding and intense couple. And guess what Rhett: We do give a damn.

16. Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio: This was Marilyn’s second husband. Yes, they did divorce, but after her death, he put a dozen roses on her grave three times a week for 20 years. Now that’s a special delivery.

17. George Bush and Condaleeza Rice: For eight years these two ran the free world…maybe not well, but they did run it.

18. Jager (or Vodka) and Red Bull: This drink, a perfect mix of alcohol and caffeine creates many a forgotten night and nothing says smart like a depressant and a stimulant. Riddle me this: If Red Bull is supposed to help your memory, why can’t I ever remember a night that involves these concoctions?

19. Batman and Robin: Over the years, Bruce has worked his way through many ladies, but the pairing of him and his trusty sidekick has always just worked.

And my personal favorite couple—

Saturday and Sunday: Without this couple, there would be seven days of rush hour traffic, seven days of work, and basically seven days of hell. No thank you, I’ll just stick with the typical five.

Maybe the answer to this Valentine’s Day debacle is focusing on all kinds of love, not just the candle-lit kind. This year can include other great loves in our lives, like great family, great friends, and even great food. Let’s face it, in many lives today, our greatest and most long-lasting relationships aren’t hardly the ones that end in “I do’s.” They’re more frequently the ones so special that they just don’t end.