Valentine's Day...And Hold The Side Of Bitter

What is it about Valentine’s Day that makes people go so crazy (Like putting pictures of pigs, kittens, and meercats on their blog)? If your single, everyone else is in a relationship and you see the pity in their eyes as if they’re going to be on suicide watch till the 15th. But don’t let them fool you. Having somebody on Valentine’s Day sucks too because now you are forced to put your love on parade. You know, the bigger the show the bigger the love—obviously that’s true (see Princess Di and Prince Charles’s wedding). So, this year let us forget mere mortal love, which could disappear at any moment. Instead, let us focus on the following classic couples, who are so iconic, they shall endure the test of time.

1. Bert and Ernie: That’s right folks, gay, straight, doesn’t matter. Their love’s as classic as Sesame Street itself. Big Bird has nothing on these two.

2. Lucy and Ricky: Offstage these two had a tumultuous relationship, but onstage they clicked like no other married TV pair. Besides, we can’t help but watch to see if he’ll ever let her in the show. Babaloo.

3. Fred and Barney: Sure they had Wilma and Betty, but Fred and Barney were thick as thieves.

4. Wilma and Betty: These broads had to be tough to put up with Fred and Barney’s shenanigans. Did anybody ever figure out how those two got these babes?

5. Arsenio Hall and Eddie Murphy: I don’t care what anybody says, when those two started improving off one another back in the 80’s, it was pure comedic romance. If you’re too young to know what I mean, rent Coming to America.

6. Scorcese and Robert De Niro: These two made beautiful movies together. Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Mean Streets and The Godfather Part II. Okay, so he’s been replaced by Leo DiCaprio, but true movie buffs will never forget the original dynamite duo.

7. Thelma and Louise: That’s right damn’t. The law, abusive husbands, not even Brad Pitt could keep these two from being together. Not in this life or the next.

8. Chocolate and Peanut Butter: Some people say the Internet is the greatest invention ever. I say that person hasn’t had a Reese’s lately.

9. Al Gore and the Internet: Wait…That doesn’t make any sense.

10. Simon and Paula: Love ‘em or leave ‘em, there’s no denying that these two have had

sparks flying since 2002. Just do it already. And by do it, I mean sex.

11. Viagra and Old Men: Back in the 90’s when this was invented, the world was forever changed. Sure, we don’t have a cure for AIDS yet, but I’ll be damned if a man over 50 should endure a flaccid penis.

12. Jay and Conan: Up until six weeks ago, this was the best couple in late night television. Damn shame really, now it’s just Conan and his millions. Poor bastard.

13. T.O. and himself: Athletes aren’t typically known for low self-esteem as it is, but Terrell Owens, aka the Showboat, takes self love to a whole new level. He is the reason “excessive celebrating” can earn a penalty.

14. Peyton Manning and Bret Farve: So, this actually didn’t happen, but we would have loved to see these two greats face off in Super Bowl 44.

15. Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler: If you don’t know who this is then you suck. Before Kristen and Rob, before Brad and Angelina, there was this brooding and intense couple. And guess what Rhett: We do give a damn.

16. Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio: This was Marilyn’s second husband. Yes, they did divorce, but after her death, he put a dozen roses on her grave three times a week for 20 years. Now that’s a special delivery.

17. George Bush and Condaleeza Rice: For eight years these two ran the free world…maybe not well, but they did run it.

18. Jager (or Vodka) and Red Bull: This drink, a perfect mix of alcohol and caffeine creates many a forgotten night and nothing says smart like a depressant and a stimulant. Riddle me this: If Red Bull is supposed to help your memory, why can’t I ever remember a night that involves these concoctions?

19. Batman and Robin: Over the years, Bruce has worked his way through many ladies, but the pairing of him and his trusty sidekick has always just worked.

And my personal favorite couple—

Saturday and Sunday: Without this couple, there would be seven days of rush hour traffic, seven days of work, and basically seven days of hell. No thank you, I’ll just stick with the typical five.

Maybe the answer to this Valentine’s Day debacle is focusing on all kinds of love, not just the candle-lit kind. This year can include other great loves in our lives, like great family, great friends, and even great food. Let’s face it, in many lives today, our greatest and most long-lasting relationships aren’t hardly the ones that end in “I do’s.” They’re more frequently the ones so special that they just don’t end.

A Bitter Valentine

Well it’s that time again. You just got your holiday decorations put away, you finally have a positive balance in your bank account, and bam! You look around only to find that the next “holiday” has arrived—Valentine’s Day. Ahhh yes, the big day rears its head again accompanied by oversized teddy bears, red roses, and endless calories. And while many to most celebrators are not Catholic, nor knowledgeable of St. Valentine, they all still line up with their message hearts in tow to pay homage to the day of love.

However, while for some “love is in the air”, the rest of us are choking on the fumes. So while young men are lining up buying a single rose and a box of condoms, and young women are dreaming of marriage proposals and other commitments, I have created an ultimate slasher film guide. Whether you’re single and tired of couple’s being thrown in your face, or whether you have a special someone and you’re just sick of manipulative marketing and “Hallmark Holidays”, the following list will take it all off your mind. As a special twist, my list will only include female killers. So join me as I ‘stick it to the man’!

1. Urban Legend (1998)
Murders on a college campus are eventually linked back to a pattern of urban legends.

2. Darkness Falls (2003)
The legend of the tooth fairy takes an eerie twist of betrayal, injustice, and ultimately
vengance.

3. The Uninvited (2009)
Two sisters believe their mother was killed by their father’s lover. As they search to find
answers, an even scarier secret is revealed.

4. Misery (1990)
An obsessed fan holds a retiring author hostage and tortures him to keep him writing.
(Whiner, I’d just be happy to have a fan.)

5. Carrie (1976)
A timid high school girl, raised by her fanatically religious mother, seeks revenge on fellow
students who relentlessly torture her.

6. Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte (1964)
Charlotte (Bette Davis) becomes a suspect for the second time in 40 years over the death of a
former lover. As she creeps further into insanity, greedy bystanders await in the wings for
her ultimate destruction.

7. Flowers in the Attic (1987)
After their father’s death, four children return to the mansion where their mother was raised.
The mother turns a blind eye as their grandmother locks them in the attic and abuses them,
so that they can inherit the family fortune.

8. Alice, Sweet Alice (1979)
A mysterious young girl is the number one suspect in the death of her older sister, and as the
body count rises, she appears less and less innocent.

9. May (2002)
A lonely girl with a difficult childhood slowly unravels as she tries to connect with other people,
but scares them off with her weird behavior. After one too many rejections she falls into a
deranged and psychotic downward spiral.

10. Day of the Woman, AKA I Spit On Your Grave (1978)
A woman is raped and humiliated by a group of men after moving away from the city to
finish her book. After healing, she seeks revenge on each man in varying degrees of psychotic
torture.

In spirit of this holiday and my movie marathon, I wrote a little poem:

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Mess with this bitch,

and she just might kill you.

Happy Valentine's Day

The September Issue

Check out The September Issue review I wrote for Creative Loafing today. For anybody that's into fashion, you should definately get a hold of this movie. It's the complete, behind-the-scene peek you always wanted.

(Photo Roadside Attractions)

Posting With Creative Loafing

As of this week, I have been interning at Creative Loafing for one month. Today, I got to post my first blog consisting of my own work. If your curious, just go to to Culture Surfing.

• You should check out Culture Surfing anyway. Despite what many suburbanites think, there is an active and very eclectic art scene happening right here in our very own Atlanta. Culture Surfing keeps you up-to-date on all these artsy events, as well as keeps readers aware of various local artists.

A Plea to Girls In Tights

First, I want to say tights are a miracle fashion that any size girl can embrace. For well over a year (longer for true fashionistas) girls have paraded around in these (mainly) slimming, very forgiving must-have accessory. And as time goes on, we are blessed with many more types. Now that opaque tights are at their height of popularity, girls have many spices to pick from (sporty, spicy, ginger?). For quite a while they have been found with studs, rips, patterns, you name it, they have it.

The good thing is that tights are not sizest. By sizest I mean one can weigh more than two pounds and not look like a whale in them. And for those who haven't discovered the beauty of a belt, it can create a finished look, and hide that area in your middle that tights tend to hug.

While I was shocked (and thrilled might I add) to find that tights would endure another season, there are a few rules to live by when wearing them.

• I realize I just said they are size friendly, but remember that any size can be made to look bigger. So if you don't wear a belt around your middle, try to find a nice cardigan to wear, or don't be afraid to wear a size 8 when you're really a size 7. Do whatever is necessary to not show off that muffin top created by the low-rise jean phenomenon. Tights (that are too tight) can create the same issue.
• Certain fabrics should never be worn. I mean leather, pleather, vinyl, or any of their cousins. They certainly shouldn't be worn across a woman's larger parts. Even thin women can look larger in pleather. So, if you are larger, please, please don't do it. If you are thin, have some sense, and don't do it. It is not Halloween.
• Finally, and this is the biggest one. TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS. Notice in the beginning, I called them accessories. Whoever gets up in the morning and throws on a pair of tights and a shirt should be ticketed. Why? Because it doesn't matter if you are two pounds, or 2oo pounds, nobody needs to know that much about you. I don't need to know what you ate for lunch yesterday. I don't need to know the whereabouts of your privates. And I certainly don't need to count the dimples on your ass. Even if you have the most perfect body on the face of this planet, do the planet a favor and put on a skirt, buy a longer top, or change into some jeans.

Please, please, please, do not ruin this trend for the rest of us. It is sure to burn out quickly. But, I doubt that any designer or fashion expert will continue making and suggesting something that is so brutally abused. It's tricky, I know, but your ass (literally) has crossed the line.