New Correct Response to the Sneeze

I need to know the new protocol. When someone sneezes you used to say 'God bless you'. Now I understand that not everyone believes in a higher being, so long ago I dropped it to just 'bless you'. Although, I must admit that like comedian Dane Cook, I don't exactly like blessing someone because I'm not God. It feels a bit sanctimonious. But lately, I've been noticing that people don't even respond anymore to 'bless you'. So much so, that I'm beginning to feel a little self conscious. Is it anyone who says this common phrase? Is it just me? Do I smell?

Over time words and sayings take on new meanings. In puritan-colonial days, to call someone a hussy meant a housewife. To call someone a hussy today means you're about to get bitch slapped. Hermaphrodite is no longer an acceptable term. It is now appropriate to call that condition intersex. And so forth and so on.

So, what would be worse? To offend someone unknowingly, or to be that jackass that says nothing when someone sneezes?

Other options: Salut? No, I feel like that lame ass that says hola instead of hello. Not that Spanish is lame, it's actually a beautiful language, but it's not cute when that person is some American who literally only knows that one word in Spanish.

Gazoontite? No, that makes the loser who says salut seem like a badass. Although, gazoontite literally means that you wish them good health. Perhaps that's the message we want to send, therefore leaving an uncomfortable religious conversation far away. Then again 'I wish you good health' isn't a far cry from 'live long and prosper'.

Perhaps, we should all switch over to a more positive and cheering-style method. Maybe a fist pump and an ol' 'Wooh, way to expell that mucus!" or 'Nice snot rocket!' Nahhhh. I guess for now, I'll keep saying 'Bless You', and they'll keep saying nothing. Hey, why ruin a good thing. Good manners is so 2007.

Pet Peeve of the Week

It truly bothers me, no, shakes me to the core, when I'm in the restroom, and it occurs to me that women (because I go to the woman's restroom) do not know how to properly act. Perhaps, for those who haven't been taught any better, we should make a rule list and attach it to the back of the stall door, so that ignorance may no longer be an excuse. My list would look something like this:

1. If you are a squatter, you are part of the problem, NOT part of the solution. Dare I say, you are the biggest problem because it is YOU that can't make it IN the toilet and ME that suffers the repercussions of your narcissism.
Solution: Put down a toilet seat cover. No toilet seat cover? Put down toilet paper. No toilet paper? Why are you still in this stall? But if you choose to stay, put your ass on the seat as the original inventor planned. Besides, if one's ass CHEEK has a disease, then we as a society have larger problems.

2. Put your trash in the trash can. I don't know how much simpler to make it.
Solution: If you are a germaphopic (I mean cautious about germs) and need that paper towel to turn the water on and open the door and there is no trash can by the door, take the paper towel with you and dispose of it in the NEXT trashcan. Don't leave it for others to clean up. Chances are IT ACTUALLY IS NOT THEIR JOB. Even if it was, good God they clean bathrooms, must you make their lives worse.

3. Don't urinate the floor. The fact that I need to say this appalls me. Oh it was probably a child you say, then riddle me this: Why does it happen on college campuses where there are few to no children?
Solution: Urinate in the toilet.

4. Do not be disgusting. Of course, I don't want to gross anyone out, so let me put this as abstract as possible: Being a woman entails private things. Let us all keep them private and not share them with the next restroom visitor.

5. Flush the toilet. I continue to try and wrap my mind around this one. Your lazy. You thought it did flush. You don't want touch the handle.
Solution: Don't be. You didn't. Use your foot.

There are other atrocities that occur in restrooms all over this nation every day. We all hate nasty restrooms, but following these five simple rules could make all of our lives a little easier. Be considerate of those that follow you, and don't take for granted the luxury of public bathrooms. Be polite to those in the restroom with you, and the next time you urinate on the seat and leave it, know this: I'm right behind you and cursing your name.